


Nothing Changed Just Because You Did

by braytray



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, Other, Panic Attacks, Supportive Jace Wayland, there will be NO romantic jalec in my household
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 16:37:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17901692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braytray/pseuds/braytray
Summary: Alec has a panic attack one night and tells the truth when Jace asks "what's wrong."--We never find out if Alec came out to Jace before the wedding--I think he did.  After the parabatai ceremony, probably while they were still teenagers.   CW: Homophobia (internalized and external), panic attacks.





	Nothing Changed Just Because You Did

Jace hesitated outside the door, debating in his mind whether to go in.  On one hand, he knew how much Alec valued his solitude, and that included emotional.  Jace was never one to be very open about his feelings, but that was Alec times ten.  It was few and far in between when Alec opened up, and it was never without a fair amount of kicking and screaming.  Metaphorically, speaking, at least.  But this wasn't like anything Jace had felt from Alec since they'd had the ceremony.  His own heart was pounding and he felt like his insides were turning inside out.  He bounced on the balls of his feet to try and release some of the nervous energy.  Considering what Jace felt was just a muted version of Alec's feelings, he couldn't imagine how Alec was coping.

He reached up and knocked on the door lightly, but when no response came from the other side, he pushed it open.  It was dark, except for a table lamp that lit the room softly.  Alec was sitting on the bed, his back facing the door.  His knees were bent with his forehead resting against them.  Jace was about to speak, but Alec beat him to it. "You shouldn't be here," he said.  His voice was low and shaky.  He didn't have to look to know it was his _parabatai_ who had come in the room.

"Why not?" Jace sat on the bed next to Alec so that their shoulders touched.  He still couldn't see Alec's face, just the top of his head and his hands that were tangled in his hair.  But his shoulders were shaking, like he was afraid, but Alec was _never_ afraid. "What's wrong?  And don't say 'nothing.'"

Suddenly, Jace felt Alec's body convulse against him.  A whimper came from his _parabatai_ , then a sob.  He felt suffocated, so he lifted his head but turned it away from Jace.  The thought of telling Jace, of outing himself, was almost too much to bear.  But living like this every night?  With panic attacks he couldn't control?  It felt like dying, then coming back alive every day just to pretend.  Alec felt Jace's arm going around him, but Alec jerked away and Jace recoiled.  He didn't want to do anything to make Alec pull away more than he already was.

"I'm sorry," Alec choked out.  His breathing was too fast and he knew it.  He felt lightheaded, and he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes.  His cheeks were wet and he couldn't control it when he sobbed.

"Alec, why would you be sorry?" Jace put a hand on Alec's shoulder.  Alec finally lifted his head and looked over.  Jace felt his chest tighten at Alec's tear-stained face, and the redness in his cheeks, but he held Alec's hands in between them. "Alec, whatever it is-"

"I'm gay." Alec finally founded the courage to say it.  The eye contact Jace had with him was so intense he looked away, like a coward.  He tore his hands away, but Jace grabbed them again.  Jace was surprised, but the news wasn't earth-shocking.  It didn't change life as he knew it.  To him, it was nothing more than a new detail, an adjustment he'd have to make in his thinking.  But then why was Alec so upset about it?  He reached up with a hand to wipe Alec's face, but he had already faced away.

"That's not wrong, Alec, it's okay." Alec hung his head.

"But Mom and Dad, they want me to get married, but I can't do that Jace, I just can't," Alec let out a sob again.  Not fearing Alec pulling away, Jace pulled Alec close.  He had tears in his own eyes, but didn't dare reveal that to Alec.  He knew he had to be there for him, so he tried to keep his emotions under check, at least till later.  It killed him to hear Alec keep talking. "No one knows except you.  I just couldn't tell anyone, I couldn't."

Jace held the back of Alec's head.  His words were muddled around Jace's shoulder, but his voice was still small and afraid. "It's okay, Alec, I swear, it's okay."

He had to repeat that for a long time, for many years, until Alec finally believed it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know if you enjoyed it. It's my first fic in a while so it's definitely rough, but I had fun writing it.


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